Thursday the 13th (Post emotional whirlwind rambling)

This is a pretty rushed post, I am up, was watching ISWIS and side-note, Akinola Davies Jr. is a really fresh boy, his suggestions to the listener dilemmas are pretty funny and witty, but unfortunately couldn’t finish the episode. Today’s been a hard evening. Let me try and see if I can document it or put it out there cos I feel like writing something. ~ 48 hours ago, I had a very hard conversation with someone I have known for about a decade, but at the end of the call I realised, and we realised, they don’t know me, and I don’t also know myself well enough, and that’s pretty much the entirety of it. Consequentially there’s no reason for that relationship to exist anymore, especially because I have a lot to fix in my life and my approach to human relationships. Tbh, it was actually a suggestion I made, borne out of fear that it would happen abruptly so I sort of was prepping for it, and was hoping it wouldn’t happen but it did, you get the drift, who cares if u do? It’s my blog. So that’s there, and has been lingering on my mind for the past 24 hours. But that’s just by the way mehn, just to set the tone for the rest of the evening. My bed broke today too, need to change this bed. I also took a walk today.

Got back, made some tea, and decided to just watch the new episode of ISWIS. Just before I did, I updated my list of triggers in my Notes app, I have ~12 entries now. Very ubiquitous entries btw. So as I am watching, I get tired and I decide to open the Chinese app. Boom, more triggers. There was one post captioned.“$insertCertainGroupOfPeopleWhoDoCertainAction, why do you do $saidAction?”. I sort of had an answer to the caption cos that’s all I have been thinking about for a while now, and replied the post. I went through the comments as well and I probably shouldn’t have. A lot of people, hurt, sad, down, so confused about why anyone would do $saidAction to them. It was mixed with different kind of emotions. Anger, forgiveness, hurt, freedom, curiosity. Naturally, I was trying to find someone who I might resonate with, but I really wanted to feel so I went through everything. It was a thread with about 100+ comments, and it’s 3 AM gosh. I went through them, and I started feeling overwhelmed. My eyes do this thing where they water up but the tears never fully fall, I really wanted it to fully fall tonight[1]. I thought I first discovered my eyes do that in 2020 when I was watching Miracle Cell In No 7. Is that what the movie is called? Can’t remember. My issue is, when I get overwhelmed, I want to take it to the extreme. My brain took me to the happiest moment I can remember for now, that I have documented. A very candid, conversation recorded in my voice memos. I played it, and couldn’t get past the 2nd minute. My eyes watered up so bad, and in that moment I could feel all the emotions in the thread I read. It was an out of body experience listening to that conversation, it was the cutest conversation ever (it’s titled very closely to this). I haven’t heard the other party’s voice in so long, but whenever I heard my voice and the things I was saying, I felt disgusted, and shocked. More disgust than anything else. It was such a great Sunday dawn, and I shared the voice memo with the other party the day after and they couldn’t believe the things they said.. It was so funny at the time, and so adorable. Genuinely one of the best moments of my life. I genuinely don’t know how I feel right now but writing this was fun. I still want to do Karaoke with Still Into You, that would do it [1]